I’ve had a hard time trying to find the right words to put together for this. This story definitely didn’t turn out the way I had always imagined. Actually, it’s no where near what I ever thought could happen. They say God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle. I may not understand the why behind it all, but I try to have faith and know that with time things always work themselves out.
I think one reason why I’ve been avoiding writing this, is because I have to give some back story, share some personal information. And well, I’m not the best at opening up and letting people in. But my son deserves to have his birth story shared. Also, other mom’s need to hear the story to know that this can happen to anyone. It doesn't matter how much you know, how many books you’ve read.
So to begin, here are a few things to clarify. My ex and I broke up right before I found out I was pregnant, I think it was actually like 2 days or so before I took the test. And lets just say, it wasn’t the healthiest relationship.
I remember it was a Tuesday when I took the test, I was in so much shock. So scared, confused, lost. I was afraid to tell my family. Didn’t know how to tell my friends. And what was I supposed to tell my patients? I sent a picture of the test to my ex (for the rest of this story I will refer to him as sperm donor, SD). He was too busy to talk. Once he was ready, he came over and we talked, he asked if I would get an abortion. And thats when I knew that I could never look at him the same. Eventually I got enough courage to tell my family and some close friends. Let me tell you, those pregnancy hormones are REAL! Yes, the situation was challenging to begin with but those hormones didn’t help. I feel like my entire first trimester I just cried, all the damn time. But things were happening, and I was gifted this precious baby and it was time to start making decisions. I remember walking into the imaging facility alone to get my first ultrasound done. The technician walked in and started the process, after a few minutes of searching and trying a few different techniques, there he was. My little bean! So tiny! Little by little I started sharing the news with some close friends. I still can’t wrap my brain around the idea that I was chosen to raise this tiny human! How powerful is that? I remember a week before my first official check up, I started bleeding. ‘Thats it,’ I thought. ‘This is why you don’t share the news, because 1 in 4 females has a miscarriage! See what you did!’ I remember talking with a dear friend/patient of mine during her appointment that day and sharing with her what was happening. There are certain things that stick with you, you remember them like they are happening right in front of you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment. She asked if she could pray for baby and I, and in that room we stood with our eyes closed, hands held tight.
I had always wanted a home birth. Being in the birthing world, you see a lot of things that terrify you to never want to be near a hospital. So with that in mind, I decided to hire a midwife. I remember texting Nikki, with San Antonio Nurse Midwife, asking “so if a new patient wanted to hire you but wanted to do an interview privately with you, whats the process?” After texting back and forth, I finally text her saying “ok ok its me, I’m the patient!” haha I’m sure she had figured it out but I felt the need to still say it. We set up my initial consult and I went to her office for the first time ever. Things look so different when you’re the patient! I remember sharing my ultrasound report with her, how I had some bleeding, and now she had to listen for the baby’s heart beat. I swear, it felt like time stopped. I’m sure it was probably just a minute or so until she found his heart beat, but it literally felt like it was 10 minutes! As soon as I heard those fluttering beats, my heart stopped, and I started slowly crying and saying “thats him! thats his heart beat!”
Overall, I was physically really healthy, I did yoga, indoor rock-climbed until my belly got in the way (my midwife had a heart attack when she found out), and walked miles at a time. I ate well, took the needed supplements. I did several birthing classes with my Doula Josie, from Birth Blessings. I had been seeing a therapist prior to pregnancy, and continued to see her during my pregnancy, but more frequently (she did wonders, let me tell ya!). During my pregnancy SD and I fought…a lot. He was out of the country weeks at a time every month. We argued over stupid stuff. There were a lot of empty words and false promises made. I’m an enneagram 8, and if you don’t know anything about enneagrams…a type 8 is outspoken, independent, and a big believer in justice! I CAN NOT STAND people who lie, manipulate or try to cheat. And I will ALWAYS call someone out if needed. So with that being said, our arguments always turned into fights. Sometimes I wonder how can someone see a pregnant person and want to continuously emotionally hurt them? It’s one thing to not be there physically, not be financially involved, but there’s no need to emotionally be hurtful. While all of this is happening, I hadn’t shared much with my family. I was afraid that if they knew what he was doing that they would never forgive him. My biggest fear during the pregnancy was being alone and birthing alone.
So weeks go by, and little man continues to grow, at 37 weeks Nikki came over and did a home visit. I remember being so stressed and worried. At the time I lived downtown, and all I could think of was that “this wasn’t a place to give birth to a new baby. This wasn't the ideal place.” But like they say, baby comes when baby comes. Around 38 weeks I started to cut my hours back at work, I was doing so good, but man by the time 37/38 weeks came…things got physically rough haha! I was wabbling at work, I was so out of breath just from walking to each treatment room. I remember getting my staff ready and my fill in doc prepared for when the day comes. Of course when you decide to go the natural route, there is no “time clock” the way you have one with an OB. Around 38 weeks I was slowing down. All week long, I was waking up around 2 am with braxton hicks contractions. I would drink some water, take some melatonin and go back to sleep. That friday before leaving the office, I remember patients giving me a hug bye haha, I was so confused! I was like “guys I still have so much more time left, I’m a first time mom, he probably won’t come for another month.” Although the entire pregnancy I had been telling my midwife that he was coming early lol. That weekend I went to SeaWorld with my family and my brother was joking that the baby will probably come out if I don’t stop walking. That same weekend I had asked SD to stay the night just in case I went into labor because I was afraid of being alone. I had a weird feeling that it was time. He would show up around 11 pm, sleep on the couch and disappear the next morning before I was up. Sunday night, going into Monday March 9th at 2 am I woke up again with the same contractions I was having all week. I drank some water, took a melatonin pill and laid back down. An hour later, I’m still up, the contractions are still happening….3 hours later still happening. I remember thinking when would it be ok to text my midwife, all the thoughts were going in my head “she has clinic that day. She’s sleeping right now, let her rest. Don’t be that mom that freaks out. Maybe nothings happening.” Finally around 6 am I text her saying “I think we’re having a baby today!” SD heard me get up to make breakfast and I told him “we’re having a baby today.” He said “cool” and went back to sleep. Three hours later, he gets up and asks whats wrong because I was sitting on a birth ball. I remember telling him I was in labor and him saying he has errands to run and that I should be ok if he leaves “since this could take a while.” So there I am, all alone in my room. All the feelings came back, I felt so alone, scared, nervous. I didn’t tell anyone what was happening. I just text my fill in doc asking her to start working and that I wasn’t feeling well. Hours go by before he gets back, when he does I asked him to get lunch. Once he bring the food he says he needs to leave again to run more errands….to be honest who the F runs that much errands?! Also, who does shit like that when someones in labor and leaves them alone? Also, why did I stay so quiet and alone? Why did I let him come back? Why didn’t I call my family or friends or doula? All the questions that I can’t answer to this day. At this point, its around 2 pm and Ive been up for 12 hours, I tried laying down to take a nap because exhaustion can mess up a natural birth. I knew all the things right? I was eating, drinking water and now needed rest. I woke up around 4 and BAM the contractions got real! I remember thinking to my self where the F is this POS?! I called him yelling “WHY THE F WOULD YOU LEAVE A PREGNANT PERSON ALONE?! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!” At that time I text my midwife and called my Doula. They both got there around the same time. I had told Nikki that I thought I peed myself just a little and she explained that was my water breaking, haha I guess I always imagined a big gush of waster. I asked Nikki to check me (midwives don’t typically do a cervical exam during your visits, so most patients don’t know if they are dilated or not), she said I was round 5/6 cm 90% effaced. This was good news and it was around 5/6 pm. Unfortunately little man was positioned posterior and my back was in SO much pain. At one point I felt like my body was going to break. I remember laying sideways in bed and my doula trying to put a peanut ball between my legs and me crying asking her to stop because I couldn’t move. They finally got me in the shower, and boy that was a game changer. I just stood there with the hot water hitting my back. At one point I yelled, “there’s blood, I’m bleeding.” Nikki and Josie ran over and they explained that it was just my mucous plug haha. Again, you think you know things until it happens to you. Josie was trying to get me to do squats and other things and to this day I feel so bad, but I remember yelling at her to just leave me alone! And just like that I was alone in the shower. That was probably the scariest moment. I couldnt think. Nothing made sense. I wasn’t logical and couldn’t even try to be. I cried and started talking to baby, “please don’t hurt mama, please come out when you’re ready. you’re safe and I love you so much.” SD was in the living room eating pizza so I was told. I remember feeling so alone, so helpless. I remember thinking “was this how its supposed to feel?” I had Nikki check me again, at this point its probably 9/10 pm and I was 9 cm, 100% effaced. FINALLY, good news! After throwing up a bit and going from standing in the shower to sitting on the toilet to get some assisted squats in, I finally listened to Josie and we started doing squats, and peanut ball stretches, walking….name it we did it. SD walked in the room at one point eating a croissant and I remember grabbing his hand saying “WTF are you eating?!” Imagine, I’m dying in pain, haven’t had food since lunch, half naked, crying, puking, bleeding and this fool is eating! So he leaves the room and Josie, Nikki and I begin to move around and get into different positions. This boys just not coming. Last time Nikki had checked she said “I see his hair!” But he just didn’t want to come out! When I tell you we did all the positions, we did all the damn positions. At one point I was on the couch doing an inversion! Its midnight, were walking up and down the hallway… its 2 am I’m doing squats… 3 am… 4 am, finally by 5 am with a heavy heart I turned to Nikki and said “It’s time, maybe I just need the epidural and my body will relax and he can come out. Maybe I’m just too tense and hes scared.” So Josie and I begin to pack my hospital bag. When you plan for a home birth, you don’t really pack anything. So there I am, 9 cm and 28 hours in labor and packing a hospital bag. I woke up SD and had him drive me to the hospital. Nikki and Josie stayed to clean up and met me at the hospital after I was checked in.
We decided to go to CHOSA downtown because Nikki had worked with Dr. Creedon and it was less than 7 minutes from where I lived. Being in active labor and going through speed bump…haha not fun y’all! I remember wabbling into the hospital, checking my self in. The receptionist was asking ALL the questions…and all I kept thinking is “does she know I’m in labor…like this baby is gonna come out soon.” While she’s getting my insurance info, Dr. Creedon comes to introduce himself. The nurses finally take me back and get me changed. He does a cervical exam and says “Yup, there he is. 9 cm at station 0 you’re almost there. His head is jammed up so I need to rotate him but we’ll do it after they give you the epidural.” At this point Nikki and Josie get there and we talk with Dr. Creedon about my “birth plan.” Its kinda funny because my birth plan is already gone. I knew it, they knew it. He was so nice though, he said I could have delayed cord clap, delayed bath, and skin to skin…and that the only thing that changed is the location of birth and some medication is now involved. He was by far the nicest OB I have ever met. Fast forward, they drug me up and Dr. Creedon goes in and turns little mans head and life is good! The epidural was the most interesting medication, my legs were completely numb but my stomach and back wasn’t and I could still feel the contractions all on the left side.
A couple hours later, Dr. Creedon walks in with a lady next to him. My heart stopped. He looks at me and says “I’m SO sorry to do this, but my shift is over and Dr. Lopiano is going to take care of you. Don’t worry, were on the same team and shell take good care of you.” She introduces herself and ends the conversations with “Just so you know, this could lead into a c-section,” and walks out. SAY WHAT!! WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?! Nikki and Josie had left to grab some food and when they came back I told them what had happened. Nikki kept trying to reassure me that it was going to be OK, I was healthy, baby was healthy and we had been making progress. I remember looking at her and saying “you and I both know that no OB uses the ‘C’ word unless they have their own agenda.”
And just like that things went down hill. So I had the epidural at this point with no Pitocin, the result of that is slowed contractions. She comes in saying my contractions are slowing and that I should really consider a c-section. I argued with her and she left. Then a few hours later she came back and started saying babys heart rate is dropping and its not good (I really don’t think she realized what I do for a living or that I had a certified nurse midwife with me). So Nikki asks her to show us on the monitor where that is since shes so concerned and her response was “well I guess it’s not that low,” and leaves the room. Basically every hour she would come in with a new threat. To add to it, she examined me and said that she didn’t agree with Dr. Creedon and that I wasn’t 9 cm and that I was only 7 cm and station -3 and according to her I’m not making progress. After she did that, the nurse that had been with me the whole time, lifts my gown and says “I see his head,” in frustration. Finally around 4/5 pm about 38 hours into labor, she comes back and this time she’s ugly! She’s on a mission! She starts saying comments like “your’e being a selfish mom, all because you want a vaginal birth you could potentially be putting your childs life at risk. He could potentially get an infection. Who knows how hes feeling in there. He could be in distress.” and so on. Thats honestly when she broke me. I was so damn exhausted. It’s Tuesday, I hadn’t slept since Saturday, I hadn’t had any food, and my family and friends still didn’t know what was happening. I looked at her and asked her how much longer until her shift was over and she said not until 10 am the next day. I turned to her and said “If you’re going to cut into me at 3 am and call it an emergency, just do it now so there are no complications.” She says ‘ok great’ and leaves to go get prepped. SD asked the nurses if he has time to go eat. I ask him to stay and he replied with “they said I have 30 minutes,” and leaves. I text him that theyre about to roll me to the surgery and he comes up with his food and asks the nurses if he can eat his meal. They looked at hime and told him that he has to stay outside the room and come in when he finishes…and guess what…he did just that. I finally called my sister in law, she got there right before they came to prep me. I just remember looking at her and crying. I couldn’t even talk. She just hugged me and began to remove my earrings. Nikki came over and prayed over my belly, Josie came and gave me a hug and then they rolled me away.
One by one, the nurses and doctors started coming into the surgical room. I kept telling the anesthesiologist that my stomach and back wasn’t numb and he was like “don’t worry it’ll get numb eventually.” When he wiped my back with alcohol I told him that it was cold and he shockingly said “you feel that?!” They gave more epidural, but still not numb, gave morphine, nothing. Finally he removes it all and gives me a spinal tap…and BAM, no sensation. They start the surgery, some time goes by and I asked him how much longer until the baby was born and he replied with “Oh baby is already out, the pediatrician has him.” Not only did this inhumane OB cut me open when it wasn’t medically necessary, but she didnt even have the decency to tell me that my son was born?! She didn’t even show him to me! NOTHING!!! Some more time goes by, and I kept moving my arm and grabbing my chest complaining of chest pain. I remember him falsely reassuring me that its just “referred pain from the uterus.” Thats BS by the way. I asked him how much longer because the OB had said it should be a pretty fast surgery, and he replied with “You don’t ask a great chef how much longer until the food is ready.” I wanted to seriously wanted to punch him at this point. Who TF makes jokes?! Answer my damn question old man! I continued to grab my chest complaining multiple times, then the next thing I remember is waking up. Alone with two other nurses in the same surgery room. They were cleaning up. They began to roll me back to my room, Nikki greeted me and asked if I wanted to see my son. ‘My son!’ I thought, I just had a baby! Little man was born on March 10th, 2020!
I was so loopy! So drugged up! Apprently I text my brother and dad letting them know Ilya was born. I don’t recall the conversation, but my dad showed up ASAP and I was trying to figure out how he found out haha. As soon as I get to the room, the nurses make me do skin to skin and feed him. His glucose levels were low. They had me feed him every hour to help his levels increase, and guess what…they did! That night, I was feeding Ilya and the room was dark, SD was sleeping. I remember looking at my son in the dark and something looked off, I tried to wake up SD but nothing. The nurse luckily walked in and turned on the lights. My IV hard ripped out and I was bleeding out. There was blood all over me, Ilya, and the bed. It looked like one of those horror movies. I will say I had some amazing nurses. She changed me, the baby and the bed. Continued to monitor us all night. The next morning they moved me to the postpartum room and slowly my vitals started to take a turn for the worse. I started to get a fever, my heart rate was above 150 and my oxygen was in the 80s. Dr. Creedon was back and he came in the room. I’ll never forget the look on his face. He sat next to me, took my hand and apologized for how things turned out. He informed me that t I had hemorrhaged during the surgery and lost over 1,000 CCs of blood (thats probably why I was having chest pain). He had two nurses with me the rest of the day. They came in trying to give me pain killers and I vividly remember saying “No thanks, I don’t even take advil guys, I don’t need this.” They looked at each other, gave me the buzzer and said to push it when I was ready for it….less than an hour later I was crying pushing that stupid button asking for the drugs! I had gone 31 yeas without any surgery, 31 years without ever being hospitalized, 31 years without taking narcotics. And here I was, stuck on a bed with a catheter, taking the drugs they were giving me, and not allowed to eat real food. I have never felt so helpless in my life! I literally couldn’t even walk. I still hadn’t slept and its Wednesday at this point. I remember SD and I fighting again because I wanted to sleep and wasn’t feeling good and him saying “stop playing the victim,” all because his mom wanted to come when she wanted to come. Luckily the nurses stepped in and asked his family to leave. My vitals continued to get worse. My night nurse kept coming in every hour because the monitors kept going off. I remember looking at her crying and asking her to just leave me alone so that I can sleep. The next day (Thursday), Dr. Creedon assigned one nurse to be with me the whole day until they stabilized my vitals. They started running tests. They almost did an abdominal and chest MRI to see if there’s internal bleeding or sepsis. But first they ended up doing two rounds of blood transfusions. Thankfully that did the trick. I had my first real meal that Friday night! All while this is happening, fortunately my son was doing amazing! He was latching, eating, no complications. Except the pediatricians kept looking for stuff. They ended up doing 3 tests for jaundice, and every single one was negative. The pediatricians kept saying they were worried about his weight. ALL babies lose weight after birth! My OB was ready to release me, this is also when COVID went a little crazy and people started hoarding toilet paper haha. The pedi on the other hand didnt want to release us. Dr. Creedon, the pedi and I all sat down and at this point I was gonna say whatever I needed to to get out of there! I told her that I had access to formula from my office and can give him that if needed. She looked at me and said “ok good, glad you’re not one of those moms.” I literally almost lost my shit. Dr. Creedon jumped in and said that my midwife is on call and can see my son if needed between that day (Saturday) and Monday. Then she gets up and says ok lets do one more round of testing for jaundice since he looks a little yellow and if its clear we could leave. I started packing, at this point I felt like it was a witch hunt! My nurse came in grabbed my stuff and said “lets get you out of here before they want more testing, his levels are perfect!”
I like to refer to my sons birth as a belly/abdominal birth. I have a little battle scar from it, but it really symbolizes my strength and the beginning of our journey. After going through all of that, I have no fears. Every fear that I had, turned into reality. From being pregnant alone to birthing alone to raising my son by myself. And I’ve faced it. And it’s not that scary! My son is by far the most amazing thing that has happened to me. He has shown me what true unconditional love looks like. Every morning I look at him and am so amazed that he’s a part of me. He is such a huge blessing that I never saw coming and I couldn’t be more thankful!
It’s been six months since I had my son. To this day, I can’t look at the picture Vanessa took of that day without crying. To this day I still question so many things. There are so many ‘what ifs.’ I did a session with Nikki S. from Birthing From Within about my birth to help heal some scars. At the end of the day I know that there was nothing medically wrong. Dr. Lopiano: you stole my birth, you stole my experience, you threatened me, you degraded me, you have no bedside manners, and honestly you have no heart. I hope that you stop birthing babies, because the world needs less OB’s like you. I know that emotionally I didn’t feel safe and supported, as a result my son didn’t feel safe. I think we forget how powerful our mind is! The only thing I regret is having SD be present. I know that thats what started the negative domino affect. But, who would’ve thought that this is how the story would’ve ended?! Who would’ve thought that I would end up with such a ruthless OB? People say you have to forgive to move on. I disagree. I don’t care to forgive SD or the OB. Peoples true colors shine when they go through hardship. At the end of the day, I want to be able to forgive myself for allowing people like them into my life, for allowing people like them to take away and ruin my experience. I remember during my pregnancy his mom had made a comment that I should really consider having him at the birth because its his son too and that it wouldn’t be fair to him if I didn’t. You know what? If you’re reading thing ladies, this is YOUR birth. YOUR journey. YOUR experience. YOU are the pregnant one. If you don’t feel comfortable having someone present during birth, then YOU make the decision. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for doing whats best for you. If you have a healthcare provider that you don’t agree with, stand you ground! Remember, you’re the one paying them. You hired them. They work for you! And no matter how much education you have, what your background is, when you’re in labor…you’re a patient. Anyone can be taken advantage of and bullied.
So if you’re reading this, I’m sorry that this wasn’t the happiest of stories. But this story has made me the mother I am today. The mother that my son needs. I love you forever and always my sweet angel baby!
